July 21, 2011

I had been running regularly, Monday to Friday, and then the injuries started to come.  The first injury was the ring finger toe on my left foot.  Because of the placement of the injury I had to take two days off of running.  That was alright because I got right back at and finished the week strong going on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  It was pretty impressive that I went, as my running partner had headed off for the summer. 

That Saturday I played in a recreational slow pitch tournament and while running with my cleats on my big toenail on my right foot came dislodged.  That slowed me down once again, as I ended up missing over a week of running.  It has healed up since and now I am back on track, but surprisingly, it is hard once again to get going full tilt.  It is somewhat amazing that after running for almost 2 months steadily, missing one week makes it hard to get back at it.  It just goes to show the importance of keeping at it.  Anyways this is the inspiration for this blog.  Yes, you needed to know what the inspiration is.  No, this is not a waste of your time.  Yes, you should keep on reading.

The Recovering from an Injury Guide

So you are the superstar runner now, you have changed your nationality to Kenyan.  You are the man/woman, at least technically you are.  You run hard, you run in the rain, you run in the snow (stupid Calgary, AB and its inclement weather).  You quite possibly would run in the nude, but you haven't gotten in that kind of shape yet, let alone it would just be uncomfortable without your bro/bra on.  While you are running you are invincible, yes you are Mark Wahlberg.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, you decide. 

When you are not running, you are still a big pansy, rose, daffodil, tulip, iris, dandelion, or any other generic flower used to denote weakness.  I didn't want to have to say it, but it is still the truth.  Ya, the truth hurts sometime.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and keep up the good work running.

Then the problem starts..............

The old big toenail injury, you know the one I am talking about.  Where your big toenail starts to fall off, and then jabs back into your toe.  It hurts, but you are tough.  You decide to go running anyways.  While putting on your shoes you realize "These are really nice laces, but maybe I should switch them out for some pink or some yellow laces."  What on earth are you thinking?  That doesn't even make sense.  What you really should have been thinking was "There is not a chance this is going to work, wow I really am a lady slipper."  Anyways, just go back to bed you filthy mule.  I don't know why you are a filthy mule.  Don't question the blog.

For some reason that stupid toenail injury is keeping you down.  Man that is so frustrating, you could just, well you could just, well I don't know what you could do, but you are not happy about it.  It is one little toe, maybe you should just cut it off.  * Editors note don't cut off any of your appendages just so that you can run, if you do, then you are an idiot, a grade A certified idiot.  I will send you a diploma in the mail.  While you are recovering maybe you could take up knitting, or some other manly hobby, but don't cut off your toe.  That is all.

While you wait for that injury to heal, you start to sleep in again and eat whatever you want.  Which consequently is a slab of butter with popcorn over top of it.  You seem somewhat depressed, like a part of you is missing.  What is wrong with you, running is for losers and people who are thin, attractive and healthy.  Wait a minute..............  You have become one of them.  Then it hits you,  you are Sparticus, a runner.

Your injury heals, you are ready to go, but it isn't easy jumping up to hardcore again.  You have to slowly break yourself back into the running game once again.  That starts with getting up in the morning, hitting the snooze button once or twice, then actually getting up.  Go for a small run, you know maybe 30 or 40 km.  At least that is what I started out with after my injury.  Oh, there seems to be an extra 0 in there, pay it no mind.  Just make sure that you start doing it everyday again because you are a runner.  Go chicken legs, go.



July 18, 2011

The Elite Running on Vacation Guide

So you've been doing great.  You're running everyday, you are eating healthy things such as carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, orange creamsicles, etc.  You are looking mighty fine, if I do say so myself, but now comes the yearly camping trip where the only food allowed is something covered in grease and sugar.  You know, that special bacon that your awkward brother in-law seasons with sugar.  Even your healthy breakfast of oatmeal, isn`t so healthy when you cover it in bacon grease.  But this is the least of your worries, how will you be able to keep running while on your camping trip?

If this scenario sounds familiar than this guide is for you.  Yes, it is for you, the person reading this blog.  Before you head off on your camping trip, make sure you pack the essentials, running shoes, shorts, mosquito repellent, a will of iron, and a very comfortable mattress.  The running shoes and shorts are pretty self explanatory, while the mosquito repellent is as well, but the will of iron is a must as well as the comfy mattress, as you won't want to get up in the morning if your back is sore, and if you haven't slept very well.  You really don't need anything else for you camping trip, tents or campers are overrated, sleeping bags are unnecessary, and a change of clothes will just weigh you down Fatty McFatterson. 

When you get to the campsite, while you are sitting around the fire singing Tom Jones, and asking about pussy cats.  You are such a loser, we all know "She's a Lady" is a much better Tom Jones song.  Anyways while sitting around the campfire, take a big gulp of that mountain fresh campfire smoke.  Breathe it in again, then take some raw bacon and rub it all over your face, before eating it raw.  This will help to get over the bacon cravings that you are going to have.  It is best to do this early and just get over it. 

Make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour on the first night, as it is imperative to start your first morning off right.  As the sun shines on your face, at a bright and early 4:25 am, make sure you get up and Jump, just jump.  You aren't going to be able to sleep anymore anyways, so get your moldy but out of bed.  Put your shoes on, stretch and then run like the wind bullseye.  It's go time.  What do you mean you don't want to get out of bed?  Iron Will is more than just an awesome movie about the Iditarod, where is yours?  What do you mean its on vacation?  Suck it up Princess.  Don't you roll over and go back to sleep on me.  This guide is for you.

 Ya, I'm sure you will run twice as far tomorrow, whatever loser, go eat some bacon wrapped potato chips.

Thanks for making a mockery of the The Elite Running on Vacation Guide. 

July 7, 2011

Picking the Perfect Shoe

You've been running before, but it has never felt right, 
You saw a commercial on the paid programming last night.
It said something about the perfect shoe,
And how it would help to make a healthier you.
At first glance it seemed too perfect to be true,
That you had finally found the perfect fitting shoe.

The price said 4 easy payments of 49.95,
A price so egregious, you threw up inside.
But with a price so high, the shoe must be good,
You picked up the phone, just like they said you should.
You were running out of time for that perfect healthy you,
When you finally realized, that's not how you buy a shoe.


But how do you a buy a shoe, and does one type of shoe work for all?
No, they don't, but with this helpful guide we can save you from a fall.
First off, what type of arch do you have?
Are you flat footed, and walk like a calf?
If you are flat footed then a motion control shoe is for you,
If you have an high arch, you will have to try something new.

A cushion shoe will make your high arch sing,
As well as making you feel just like the King.
Thank you, thank you very much,
An average type of foot, you need some different stuff.
The type of shoe for that is a neutral type,
You can learn all about it over skype.

Now you are ready to go blow your money,
Good shoes are expensive, it's not even funny.
After trying on dozens of salesmen pitches,
You realize that you are not blessed with deep riches.
Some shoes feel great and others less so,
Wait this one's on clearance, just buy it and go.

June 30, 2011

The Running Shoe Owner's Manual

Thank you for purchasing this fine shoe.  We really believe it is the best shoe on the market and that you will be completely satisfied supporting child labour in countries that you cannot even pronounce with the performance of this shoe.  This shoe is made just west of Hawaii, which will give you some assurance for shopping locally. 

Section 1 - How to achieve the most performance from your shoe

Take your shoe out of the box.  Pull the stuffed up paper out, yes that paper is 100% recycled.  No, the shoe itself isn't greasy.  Yes, the recycled paper is from KFC, why do you ask?  It was cheap and helps us cut down our overheads so that we can help subsidize Lebron James' retirement.  You know he only made $18 million this past year, how do you expect him to retire on that? 

Now that you have pulled your greasy wad of paper out of your shoe, you should try it on.  Oh wait a minute, there is another greasy wad of paper.  It gets us every time too.  You will notice that your shoe has laces, or possibly Velcro, buttons, or it could be a slip on sandal.  Tie up your laces, put your Velcro together, snap your button, or slip on your sandal, whichever applies to the shoe that you purchased.  It is much cheaper to print one set of instructions for all our shoes.  Once again we cut our overhead to pay our CEO millions of dollars that he/she doesn't deserve pass on the savings to you.

You will notice that the outer shoe material is made up of really cheap material that breaks down really fast so that you have to buy a new pair of shoes pretty much tomorrow durable material.  That is a special feature just for you.  Since you have your shoe on, go for a slight walk to see how it feels.  If the shoe is too loose just buy another smaller size shoe, your feet still grow no matter what age you are.  Don't ever return any shoes from us as we will give telemarketers your number.  No, we didn't want to have to go there.  Yes, we will actually do that.  No, it isn't unethical or against the law.  These also aren't the droids you're looking for. 

It's not that flipping hard to figure out how to put a shoe on and run retard customer.  Ya, we said flipping.

Section 2 Protecting your investment

Yes it is an investment.  No, you shouldn't have to get a second mortgage.  To protect your investment and get the most out of your running shoe you should wear your shoes in the shower.  This will help break down the material even faster keep the shoes looking really clean.  It is also a good idea to put them in the dryer after the shower.  This will also help you fit into your pair of shoes that are too big.  When you finish with your run always throw your shoes against the wall, this helps break them in, literally.  You should also try to run over nails, sharp rocks, gum, cats, dogs, etc.  This will help toughen up the bottom of your shoe so that it will last forever.  We can't even write that with a straight face, who publishes this garbage anyways?  Well you can do anything, but  lay off of my blue suede shoes.

Section 3 Planning your next purchase

Now that we have you hooked you should really start looking at getting another pair of our wonderful shoes.  You should replace your shoes every 3 months whether you use them or not.  Running shoes are like computers, and you don't want outdated technology.  For your next purchase you should buy an even more expensive pair of our shoes.  Over inflated prices are indicative of quality.  Yes, some of our shoes look very similar.  No, they aren't the 'exact' same shoes with just a different price.  Yes, you can purchase the same shoes at Fields or your local bargain store for $10, but those were made in China.  The expensive shoes are made locally just west of Vancouver Island.  Yes, something about riots as well.

We are very happy that you have taken the time to go through your owner's manual and to be brainwashed educated on why your shoe is the best shoe on the market.  Have a happy running time and thank you for making America and Canada stronger, while striking out against terrorism.  Yes, by purchasing a pair of our shoes you have taken the first step towards stopping terrorism.  No, we don't actually do anything to stop terrorism.  Yes, we are shamelessly playing up peoples fears regarding terrorists.   No, we don't think Barack Obama is an American citizen.  Yes, we actually do think Barack Obama is an American citizen, that is, if you do.  No, we don't think we are worse than politicians.  Stop thinking and just buy our shoes!

June 23, 2011

A beginners running guide for losers, fatties and other invalids everyone.

So you want to start running, eh?  You think it is time to get rid of that little extra jiggle?  You want to impress the opposite sex?  Well then this running guide is for you. 

Now that you want to start running, how do you follow through with this noble desire?  Well, it is easier than you think.  First you need some shoes, that is unless you want to run barefoot like a lunatic.  Next you need to put those shoes on.  I know what you are thinking, " I don't know how to tie shoes."  You can buy Velcro shoes if you need. 

This running so far is really easy.  Now that you have your fancy pants shoes on it is time to step outside.  On a side note, you probably should be wearing some clothes, which you would usually put on before your shoes.  Sports bra's are recommended for the ladies, while a bro is recommended for the heavier men, or all married men setting out on this excursion.

When you first step outside you should probably do some light stretching as you are fat and out of shape haven't done this for a long, long, long, long, long, long, when will it stop, long time.  I recommend stretching out your calves, or possibly your cows, depending on the size (my wife always says that.)  Usually it is also a good idea to stretch out your old quads, yes you still have muscles in your legs, no matter how jiggly they are.

Now is when you should do a quick mental checklist of everything you have.  Shoes, check!  Shorts or pants, check!  Shirt or sweater, check!  Sports bra, or bro, Check!  Stretching, check!  Oxygen canister, double check!  9-1-1 on speed dial, triple check!

Now go, be free young padawan.  Run like the wind bulls eye.

As you head out, start at a nice leisurely pace, you don't want to tucker yourself out and fall into a deep depression.  While you are running along you will notice the sheer beauty of your surroundings while you are huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.  While you aggressively stroll, which is running slower than walking, you will notice some excess phlegm building up.  Snort it and spit it out.  No it is not like cocaine, yes it does taste delicious if you accidentally eat it, no you are not a camel, but they do spit.  You must have seen the movie Aladdin.

You are doing a great job so far!  Hip hip hooray!  Now that you have run roughly 100 metres in 4 minutes, you are probably ready to turn back.  Don't, push it for another 50 metres, make sure you always finish hard like a creepy curler.  Okay, now you can go home.  As you gallop through your front door, make sure you do some more stretching.  This will help you so that you don't cramp up later in the day.  You should also drink lots of water to stay hydrated. 

I usually enjoy a shower when I get home from my run in the morning, followed by some breakfast.  If you are worried about time constraints you could make your breakfast in the shower.

If you have the 5 minutes, watch this.  You won't be disappointed.

You did a great job with your first run, but you need to make sure you do it again tomorrow.   I believe in you, yes I am waving my arms like angels.  No, I don't see any angels in the outfield.  Yes, if you run every day you too can look like Danny Glover.  No, that is not necessarily a good thing.

Captain extremely awkward statement: " How did he get that Harley up there on the high diving board?"

June 16, 2011

I might be changing up my blog a little bit.  It is starting to become the same old regurgitated garbage.  I don't know if I will be changing it to once a week, or if I will be doing blogs based upon running adversity or some other lame thing.  One thing I can promise you is that it will be a better blog on a go forward basis.  Anyways on to todays bemoaning:

Tuesday morning I strolled up my hill.  I was like Maria from the Sound of Music singing the song about my favourite things, and then I don't feellllllll sooooooooo badddddddddddd.  I met up with Peter at the 'you know what.'  He was once again wearing his lovely green hoody.  It sure goes well with the eyeliner he uses.  We thought about where we should go.  Vern was away for the morning so it was just Master P and I, like two sparrows in a hurricane, trying to find our way ( he also does country songs).  We decided to go on a route we had never imagined possible.  Strike that, I had tried to get us to go that way before, but Peter wanted nothing to do with it.  Today he was up for change, he was ready to become a legend........

Drop the beat Master P:

Let's go for a run
We will have immense fun
If you run too fast
I will cut and mow your grass

I interjected:

I already mowed my lawn
Your rhymes make me yawn
I can run just like Superman
and beat you at kick the can

We headed off.  We ran past Overwaitea.  Did you know that they are BC's very own food people?  Just a little fun fact.  We ran past Overwaitea, thus bringing on the lame, but standard jokes.  " You sure look like you're Over Weighty, haha haha haha, hardy har har."  Shut up Peter.  Actually Peter is way too nice of a young man to say something like that.  After we ran past Overwaitea, we headed West on Devon Street, which may or may not actually be a street name in Creston.  We then plodded down the beautiful street, prompting Peter to say "this is such a beautiful run, we should do this more often."  I followed with a mature " I told you so sumo man  ketchup man."  Apparently I just decided that Peter enjoys ketchup.  It may or may not be true, so you might want to actually ask Peter about it.

On Wednesday Vern came back, kind of like the Cat in the Hat comes back, except for Vern doesn't have a cool hat.  Maybe he has some funky stripe socks?  We did our run past the beautiful trailer courts with the view.  I may not be 100% on this, but I assume that the name of the park is "Hollywood", or possibly " Trailer park with a view."  I used to live in a trailer park until I tricked sold it to my brother.  There is nothing wrong with that lifestyle.  No, I didn't actually trick my brother into buying it.  He is a smart fellow, or so my mom tells me so.  Near the end of our Wednesday run, a man in a truck pulled over to talk to us.  He couldn't believe there were still people that were mentally insane jogging around town.  We invited us to join him.  See, that line doesn't even make sense.  We invited him to join the flock.  He said yes.  The revolution continues.  The red army and communism will reign supreme.  Welcome to Mother Russia the flock. 

On Thursday morning there he was, waiting for us.  The newest member of the flock.  He is actually a good friend of mine.  It is not like some creepy guy who works on computers all day and has a twin brother decided to just up and join us.  Wait a minute.....  He brought his Iphone with him so that he could track how far we went, how long it took us, our route, the best places to stop and pee on peoples lawns.  You know, just the basics.  I had slept well the night before and had energy.  It is amazing what happens when your children don't get up in the middle of the night.  We carried a solid pace for the run and went hard.  We ran farther than we usually do.  Our new guy wasn't as conditioned as us, or at least we made it look that way.  We couldn't be shown up by a new guy.  Towards the end Vern once again took off like a sabre tooth tiger.  It was odd that he had those fake vampire fangs in for the run, but we try to include everyone regardless of how they present themselves.  In total I really actually ran about 5 km.  Which I should tell you that I ran about 10 km.  I've got to keep up appearances.

When I got home I put on my birthday suit and weighed myself.  I was now a balmy 220.6 pounds.   Which means I have lost more weight.  It was very rewarding, but right now I sure want some type of fatty and delicious snackeroo.  No, I don't want a dunkeroo, but I do remember those as being delicious back in the day.

Captain somewhat creepy and definitely awkward statement:  " I like big spuds and I cannot lie."  It's true big potatoes are delicious.

June 13, 2011

On Friday morning I jubilantly headed out towards the great  ice sculpture fortress.  No, I was not going there to meet Superman.  I am Superman............ Cue the awesome superman music.  Sing it in your head.  What, you think you are a poor singer?  There aren't any words to the song.  That is a poor excuse to not sing the song.  Fine then here it is:

On my way to the ice sculpture I ran into the Green Arrow.  I then flew him the rest of the way to the ice fortress.  Green Arrow was wearing some weird mask, which is weird since we were jogging.  No one was going to recognize him, but he sure looked like an idiot with a green mask and a quiver.  Is he one of Robin Hood's Merry men?  I started to feel uncomfortable running with this guy so I headed out to find the Flash.  The Flash was just hanging out waiting for us, that is what he does, he just hangs out.  As we came upon the midnight clear Flash joined rank and took off, consequently, like a Flash.  I may not be 100% sure but I think that is where he gets his name from.  We went for a somewhat short run around 3 km.  At the end we ran up a steep hill.  I made sure that I pushed it for the whole run, and especially towards the end, up the hill.  The Flash of course didn't tire, Green Arrow was having trouble with his mask, while his quiver gave him some type of inappropriate rash.  Being Superman, I am just not used to this whole running thing.  As I came up the hill I started flying, while making it look like I was running.  It is one of the oldest tricks in the book, but it works.

On Saturday it was choose your own adventure day.  This time I chose to go golfing at a par 3 golf course I pretend to frequent.  I got up at 6:30 am and went to golf with my dad and my brother.  We played two rounds of 5 holes, which is a total of 10 holes.  If you are having trouble with that math, use your fingers and count them up.  This of course only works if you have the proper amount of appendages.  I apologize if you are lacking in the appendage department.  After golf, which I won both rounds, I had to help get ready for my daughters birthday party.  It doesn't matter what my score was, you don't want to know.  The birthday party was exciting with great gifts like Ariel dresses, barbies, tinkerbell birthday cards that sing and light up.  And these are only the presents I received.  It was a great party and I didn't eat any cake.  Ya I know what you are thinking ' But you're wife makes cakes for a living and they are delicious and, and, and....'  To to today Junior.  It is actually pretty big that I didn't eat the cake, it took some great will power, but that is what Superman does after he wins two rounds of Par 3 golf.

On Monday I headed up to the Spirits in the sky.  After meeting up with the runner formerly known as Peter, I kept right on through to meet up with the runner currently known as Vern.  We went on the old run around Centennial park, we stopped and played in the splash park, it was pretty much like the commercial with the sumo wrestlers washing the cars.  If you are bothered by Sumo Wrestlers washing cars then there is nothing wrong with you.  You aren't crazy no matter what your doctor says.

This is why no one else runs with us.  We finished the centennial loop and actually went a little farther.  Peter and Vern started to stumble.  The sweat started pouring off their faces.  They couldn't go any further, they were losing the battle against the evil decepticons of fatigue.  That is when I took the lead and the music rang out of the lilac bushes.

I vanquished the fatigue decepticons and saved my running partners from the dreaded beast of despair.  Justice had been served. 

What will tomorrow bring in the quest for justice and the search for heroes?  That's a question you should ask yourself You-a-tron. 

Tune in Thursday night for some random ramblings with no rhyme or reason.  Or will there be rhymes?

June 9, 2011

On Tuesday morning I headed out alone.  I walk alone, I walk alone.  I met up with Peter and we headed off to see if Vern would be waiting for us.  Vern is Sea Bass, aka Santa Claus, aka whatever stupid clever name I come up with.  Peter seems to be leaving a little earlier than I am in the morning, as he is meeting up with me on my side of the mountain.  No the bear did not go over the mountain.   We met up with Vern and we did our beautiful run along some street that I don't know the name of.  It was a decent run and we added a little more to it by running in a trailer court that overlooks the flats.  That is how you know you are in a classy neighbourhood, the view.  Towards the end of the run we ran up a fairly steep hill.  This is hard for Peter and I as we don't really want to go too hard at the end.  Vern makes us look like fools pushes us to be better, which is good.  I think.  At the top of the hill, this being hillside street.  Isn't that the most original name for a street on the side of a hill.  I don't know why my street name isn't "bottom of the hill street", or " over the hill street."  They have an old folks home on my street, so it would work.   Anyways back to reality, whoop there goes gravity.  On hillside street, the road had these huge pot holes, that reminded me of the Grand Canyon, at least they would have, if I had ever been there. 

On Wednesday morning it was raining, but I'm not complaining, cause I love the rain.  No this is not a car commercial.  But I would happily accept advertising money or something like that.  I headed off to meet up with my main man Master P the rapper.  Some call him Parapa the Rappa, but I call him Master P.  When I met up with him he dropped the beat................Yo.

Hey my good friend,
Lets run to the end,
We'll go pick up Vern
Then go plant a fern

This is when I interrupted the Master.  " Why would we go plant a fern?" 
Parapa continued:

I am the master of rap
You are the master of crap
I'm going to run you out of town
Cause you're putting my rappin down
You're gonna start to yearn
For the chance to go plant a fern

It was at this point that Peter started break dancing.  When he was done I showed him up with my mad nunchuk skills.  We ran to meet Vern, he wasn't quite at our secondary meeting place so we started to run to meet him.  There he was coming up Mount Everest.  We headed off on our run towards Centennial park, which consequently no one has ever heard of any parks with that name.  It is probably the only Centennial park in the world.  It's just another reason " I love Creston."  No the paper didn't pay me to drop their name.  We did our usual 4 or 5 km run.  Which really means that I ran 4 km, but 4 to 5 km sounds so much more productive.  It is one of my running tips, always round up.  Towards the end Vern just kept going, while Peter and I slowed considerably and walked the last part.  Peter and I both agree the last 5 minutes of the run suck.  Because Vern is Santa Claus he doesn't become tired.

On Thursday morning I didn't want to get up.  You know one of those mornings when you don't sleep well.  I didn't want to move at all.  I got up anyways because I had to meet up with the flock and head south.  I went out and met up with Peter, than with Vern.  They both said that if they didn't have someone to meet up with that they wouldn't have come.  We thanked each other for that, while secretly muttering something unintelligible under our breath.  We went around Centennial park and then up Erickson road.  We then turned in towards town and parted ways at the RCMP station.  Vern headed off like Pavel Bure on a breakaway, while Peter and I headed off like.......well we didn't really head off, we just sort of started walking.  We walked down main street.  Because we are so well renowned around the world, it was like a parade.  We handed out candy and went around asking for money dressed up as cavemen.  I walked Peter home to make sure he was safe and sound, as it was pretty rowdy at our parade with all the autograph seekers.

When I got home I got "naked as a jaybird" to weigh myself.  Who ever can figure out the reference by writing the correct answer in the comments section, gets a free life subscription to my blog.  Ya, it is that pathetic awesome.  Anyways, I weighed in at a whopping 224 pounds.  Which consequently is 7 pounds lighter than when I started out running.  That is pretty awesome, mind you I still have jiggle.  Getting jiggle with it.  I don't look much different, but it is a start and I will survive, I will survive, something something about how to stay alive. 

Captain Awkward statement:  "You're beautiful like............a tree, like some ceramics."

June 6, 2011

On Friday my good buddy Pete and I, not that kind of buddy, set out on another diligent excursion.  We decided to do the same run that we did on Thursday only backwards, yes that is right we ran backwards.  You really thought we ran backwards?  We headed north on the loop, instead of the usual southern direction, since our flock had already dropped back down to "just the two of us."  Make sure you go back and sing that part like Will Smith, "Just the two of us, you and I." 

Anyways we headed off, it was a beautiful run, we were both feeling good, enjoying our nice slow pace.  If we were running with my Grandma she would have kept telling us to hurry, that is the kind of pace we set.  As we came to the end of the run, which consequently is up some wonderful stairs, we pushed it hard.  As we were coming up the stairs we noticed Sea Bass waiting for us at the Diner.  He was mad about salt or something.  Apparently on Thursday he thought we were still running at 6:00, but alas we had changed our running time to 6:30 starting on Wednesday, something about my wife wanting some bowflex time or something. 

Sea Bass was wanting to run still, and insisted that he run us back to our houses.  It was very chivalrous, but Peter and I usually walk the rest of the way because we get tired easily.  After resting for a minute, we started off running home.  Just around the river bend, we ran up a hill, turned, ran past the old Adam Robertson Elementary School, and up another hill.  Oddly enough, that little one minute break had left both Peter and I with much more energy and we were able to push it all the way home.  My house came up first, I was expecting a good bye kiss, but the two gallant knights just ran past saying "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."  Editors note:  I did not actually want a kiss, yes Sea Bass is Santa Claus.

On Saturday it was once again choose your own adventure day.  I chose running at 11:00 am in the heat of the day because that is just how stupid hardcore I am.  I ran hard in the heat, and pushed myself.  I actually went quite far, quite quickly.  I then started to tire out and I decided that I would implement my stop and walk for a minute.  I walked for a little while, and once again pushed hard for an extended length of time.  Editors note:  Every once in a while I will do Editor's notes, as I am the editor of this blog, as well as the CEO, CFO, COO, TKO, etc.  If you want to get more from your run, midway through your run rest for a minute or two.  You will find that when you begin again you will have gained your second wind and be able to push it much longer than previously.  Thus you will get better results and be able to look like me.  On second thought.........

After my Saturday run I decided to do my kangaroo jumping exercise.  I did three strong sets last Saturday, and decided to try for three once again.  I started and made it through one set.  I started and didn't make it through a second set.  It was bitter sweet, as I had ran much harder that day, thus I was mucho tiredo.  Don't be alarmed that I speak German.  Yes, I know it is not German.  I think I will add the Kangaroo jumping exercise to my regular routine, so that I can finish 3 sets each time.  I will have mad hops like Bugs Bunny.

On Monday morning, which consequently was this morning, funny how that works, I headed out with a goal of putting together the longest sentence I could without ever stopping, while trying to make it intriguing and gripping to read, while you thought to yourself, "This guy just drones on and on with his run-on sentences.  Ya my sentences run everyday just like me.  Boom, I just dropped the beat there.

Anyways I met up with Peter and we went for a run.  Sea Bass wasn't at the meeting place, so we headed out down his hill to find him.  If you join our flock, we will not leave you alone.  We ran down his hill and headed into his house.  Peter grabbed Sea Bass up and spit in his breakfast, we then headed off on our own.  We may not have actually gone to Sea Bass' house.  We may have only headed down the monster hill on Cook Street, which wasn't too bad until we came back up. 

When we finally came back up Mt Olympus we decided a walk of composure would be best for us.  My number one running rule is, everyone together " Staying composed is the most important aspect of being a top notch runner."  I will have to do a special blog about my useless and stupid helpful and  very inspiring running tips.  After making sure we were composed, we ran once again for a little while.  This whole stopping when we are tired and worn out in order to run again, is really helping us to get more from our run.  I know what you are thinking " wouldn't it benefit you more if you just ran the whole way without stopping?"  No, it wouldn't you pompous hypocrite beautiful person.

I seem to drone on forever.  I did a drive to 13 last blog, I now have 5 followers.  I only gained two new followers of my blog.  The Winnipeg hockey team got 13,000 season ticket holders in two days.  I don't want to call you on it, but it isn't that hard to follow a blog.    But what will you get from following my blog?  Pure satisfaction in life, wow that is a good gift. 

Here are some instructions:  Click the follow button in the top right corner of my blog, yes that follow button.  Enter your information, hooray you did it.  You may now sing the Dora song:  " You did it, you did it, you did it hooray!"

Captain Awkward Statement:  "Did you just touch my butt?"  " I am in another country sir."

June 2, 2011

On Tuesday morning I headed out to meet up with my buddy Harry Dunne.  I wanted him to be Lloyd Christmas, but he is definitely more of a Harry Dunne kind of guy, which of course makes me Lloyd Christmas.   Anyways Harry must have left earlier in the morning than I, as he met me on my side of the "special meeting place."  That sounds so wrong.  Note to self ,do not refer to our meeting place as the "special meeting place."  Harry was sporting a grey sweater, he used to wear a green one that really complimented his eyes.  I wonder why he switched? 

We headed off into the sunrise to meet up with our new flock.  Lo and behold, there was only one of our new guys.  That's right someone already dropped off after one day.  Something about being too early in the morning for a run.  Ya, I know what you are thinking " what a daffodil?"  I don't know why you think he is a daffodil, but that is what you are thinking.  You are so weird. 

We headed off with Sea Bass on a rather long run towards our destiny.  Harry and I held our own fairly well, inciting a beautiful melody of Mocking Bird. 

This is what it is like to actually run with us.  All I can say is that Harry can really belt out a tune.   Sea Bass grew tired of the Harry & Lloyd musical special and left us in his dust.  For some reason once again towards the end of the run, I just didn't have the juice to finish off strong.  As Sea Bass ran off into the distance Harry and I hopped like bunny rabbits back home.  If you want a hardcore workout, hop like a bunny rabbit instead of running.  You are guaranteed to look like a fool while losing weight.  It's a win win for everyone.

The rest of the day I was sick, which finally turned on my dimly lit light bulb.  That is why I hadn't had the energy this week, I was getting sick.  Darn you luscious lilac bushes (something needs to be blamed, and they are so beautiful, who would suspect them).  I was coughing all afternoon, my muscles were getting tired, I was achy.  Would I get up the next day?  

Would I really get up the next day for a run?

Would I, what would you do, well what would you do?

How much longer are you going to have to read down to find out the answer.

Cue the Law and Order music.

Wednesday morning I got up for my run.  I was definitely lacking in the energy department, but I was going to give it my all anyways.  I ran up my hill, no I jogged up my hill.  I actually did the "jogging but going slower than walking" up my hill.  My leg muscles were dead tired, but I went on.  I met up with Harry, it looked as though he cut his hair with a bowl, or maybe that's me, no offense Brittney.  We went on by ourselves.  That is right, we are so hardcore, that people in better shape than us had already stopped coming after only one and two days respectively, we are the energizer bunny.   To be honest, I think our two temporary running buddies thought our pace was too slow.  We ran quite a ways until I huffed to Harry " I'm not going to make it much farther buddy."  Harry said " Grow some balls you can do it Lloyd, just a little further up this mountain."  I don't know why he was calling me Lloyd today. 

At the end Harry said "that was a really pathetic run today you cod fish if you are sick tomorrow let me know, as I don't want to go on another short run tomorrow, today was a waste of my time."  I didn't last very long on Wednesday.  I was actually pretty sick, and I stayed home from work because I was that sick.  It was a small victory just to get up in the morning.  Fast forward to Thursday:

Thursday morning I decided to actually walk up my hill so that I would have more energy to run, and I was still getting over the black lung, cough.  I was feeling better so I was able to do a full run with old reliable Harry.  We went somewhere we had never been before, no it wasn't A&W.  That is one nice thing about running in the beautiful Creston valley, all of the drop dead gorgeous scenery, oddly enough I am talking about the flowers and trees.  We pushed our pace nice and slow, because "this is how we do it baby."  I think that is from a Backstreet Boys song.  Ya we are that cool.  No, I am not balding yet.  Yes I have blue eyes, why do you ask?

Thursday I was no Captain Hook. 

We have changed our running time to 6:30 am, as I have not caught on with working out on the bow flex quite yet.  I am not a weight kind of guy.  Brittney is thinking right now " why did you trade our nice shed for that stupid bow flex machine."  In which I reply "Forget about it."  Read it again and say it with an Italian accent.  A greasy Italian accent, maybe kind of like Joey from friends. 

If you are from Canada you would have heard that the NHL is moving a team back to Winnipeg.  They bought the Atlanta Thrashers and are moving them to Winnipeg.  Anyways with this they are having a drive to 13.  Which is a drive to sell 13,000 season ticket packages before June 21.  I am implementing my own drive to 13.  It is a drive to have 13 followers of my blog, the best part is that it is free.  If you don't already follow my blog, than I don't really know how you are reading this right now, but you should.


Captain Awkward statement:  "Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"

Go Canucks GO, 3 more wins for the Stanley cup baby!

May 30, 2011

On Saturday May 28, 2011 I went for a little hop, skip and a jump.  Saturday is choose your own adventure day.  I don't meet up with anyone for a joggeroo, and I usually end up only going for 15 to 20 minutes.  Whenever I run less than 15 minutes I always say "around 15 or 20 minutes."  I didn't feel like going very far so I did mostly interval running.  To me, nothing quite beats running as hard as you can, expending all of your energy and then comfortably lying down on the grass.  I squeak out those extra 5 minutes of "running" while lying on the grass.  I'm still outside, so it is legitimate.

When I got back from my run I actually had energy left.  I decided to do a jumping workout.  I jumped up and down onto a cement retaining wall at my house, which is roughly 18 inches high.  I went fast, like a kangaroo.  I did a rep of 20, then a second strong rep.  I was feeling energized so I thought to myself " I'm going to finish a 3rd rep of 20, and I am going to go hard.  I went hard right to the end of 11, counting is overrated anyways.

On Sunday I did not go for a run.  It is important that I post what I do not do for this blog.  Such as I do not shave everyday, I maybe shave every 3rd or 4th day.  I do not do flips on trampolines, as I almost knocked myself out cold trying one as a teenager.  I do not eat black licorice because I really don't like it.  I do not do roundhouse kicks because I am not Chuck Norris, although maybe after running consecutively I will indeed become Chuck Norris, or Optimus Prime.  I hope it is Optimus Prime as it would save on having a truck payment.

On Monday things got interesting.  We invited two more people to come running with us.  We were trying to avoid the Ambiguously Gay Duo nickname that had been going around.  We were Batman and Robin, not Ace and Gary, but some people didn't see it that way.  I know what you are thinking, " but you said you would not tell anyone where your secret meeting spot is, you know the bat cave."  Don't worry the bat cave location is still intact.  Robin and I made sure that we met up at the bat cave, and then went somewhere else to meet the new guys.  No one tricks Batman or Robin.  Some people trick Alfred, but he is an old man, it happens. 

As Robin and I came around the corner to the fake meeting place, cheers erupted from the new guys.  They had signs that said " Hey you still look fat even though you lost weight," and " You almost run as well as a girl now."  They might actually not have done anything, and we possibly might have just shaken hands upon our arrival.  Chris O Donnell and I decided to show these guys what to do, they are both older than I am so we were feeling pretty good about our chances of prancing around like ballerinas.  Yes when men jog together they actually prance around like ballerinas.  Unbeknownst  to us, they were formidable opponents, just like the Grandma Prime Rib Burger.  Formi doublee, because there were two of them.  I did a little bit of interval running again, which consists of me running as fast as I can, waving my arms out to the side and making jet plane noises.  I did this two times.  The second time I did it, I ended up walking the last little while and everyone ran past me, even those two new guys.  I was tired, not necessarily from the run, but from the poor sleep that I had taken part in the previous night.  My beautiful daughters decided to have troubles going to bed, and I got, at the most 3 hours of sleep. 

As important as it is to get the recommended 11 hours of sleep a night, that is my new recommendation for everyone, it was more important for me to get up and go for a jiggity jog.  Anyways moral of the story go to bed early and wake up early in order to better yourself.  Or you could stay up late, sleep in all the time and eat ice cream for breakfast.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm  I may be on to something.  It, going to bed early and such, makes a world of difference, and will help you to win gold at the Olympics.  Ya running a normal marathon is for crazy losers with nothing better to do well disciplined people.  It is the Olympics or bust for my running flock.

If these guys become regulars for the flock I will have to give them superhero names, like Speedy Gonzalez, or Peter Cottontail.  I should have given Peter, the Peter Cottontail nickname.  Darn it.

 2020 Olympics here we come.


Captain Awkward Statement:  "Big Gulps huh?, alright see ya later"

May 27, 2011

On Wednesday morning, being the 25th of May, I headed out in the rain.  It was a slight drizzle, but was not too bad at all.  I met up with my sidekick at our secret hideout.  Don't ask where it is, I will not tell you.  Seriously, I will not tell you where it is we meet up, so don't bother asking.  I was a little slow in heading out the door, sometimes it just takes a little longer to put on my eyeliner before my run.  Peter and I headed up Hillside, and then just randomly ran past the Rec Centre, and then went down Alder Street, then Murdoch Street.  We had no real sense of purpose.  We ran nonetheless like desperado's, why didn't we come to our senses?  There were some hills here and there that we had to deal with, but nothing we couldn't handle.  Luckily for me I did not have to carry Peter anywhere.

On Thursday morning, the 26th of May, I lay in bed as my alarm went off.  That is usually how it works, the alarm goes off while you are sleeping, and rudely interrupts the beautiful slumber that has encapsulated you.  I could hear the rain pounding hard and the wind bellowing across the valley.  My first thought was that it was raining to hard to run, but then I got up.......... cue Superman music............  I put on my filthy running clothes that I pretty much wear everyday, put on a baby blue hoody and headed outside.  It actually wasn't raining that bad, but it was windy, very windy.  For those from Lethbridge it was just like any normal day, oh how you should move to the promised land in British Columbia.  Anyways, where was I?  Oh yeah something about wind and how much better B.C. is than Alberta.  I did some light stretching and headed off in the rain towards the "Bat Cave."  Cue the cheesy Batman music and KAPOW! 

I met up with Robin and he let me pick the route to run.  His only request "Since it is windy, let's run close to some houses so we are undercover."  Robin is such a pansy, so I took it upon myself to help him toughen up.  I took us away from all the buildings to get the full brunt of the wind and the rain.  We ran around the high school showing off to all the juvenile delinquents that go to school at 5:45 in the morning.  It was a good run and we knew that the reason people were staring at us was because of our intense workout, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we were actually dressed up as Batman and Robin.

Thursday evening I had a Slow Pitch game to go to.  I put in a Slow Pitch team this year, because I was slow.  This was our 5th game, we were 1-3 coming in.  But I had been running recently, and there was a noticeable improvement in my speed and jump.  By jump I mean the fact that I could now go 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds, they started to call me Ferrari.  Honestly though, I felt so much better just playing Slow Pitch, several people actually commented on how quick I was moving.  I must have been really slow previously.  Of course we won with a workout king like myself on the team. 

On Friday we went for a longer run yet again.  We also pushed the pace, which was a nice change.  We are continually running farther and faster everyday, which is wonderful.  On my way home I picked some lilacs for my wife.  Now before you actually think I am a nice guy, it was Peter's idea, he did it for his wife Thursday morning.  This guy is a show off wonderful person, he is pretty much Chris O Donnell in some really awkward outfit.  I am more a Val Kilmer, than a George Clooney.  Friday was also the last day of early morning seminary until September, so next week after my run I will be hitting up the bow flex for a little while.

Obligatory awkward thought:  " I'm Bulimic"  "You can read minds?"

P.S. I am not actually bulimic, neither is it a joke.  Be happy with your body and who you are.

May 24, 2011

It has been almost a week since I have posted about my status.  I am married, I mean I am still running.  I have stuck to getting up at 5:30 am every morning to run before I start my day.  Last week after I posted I was able to pick up a running buddy.  If anyone is wanting to start running regularly, I would highly recommend getting a running partner (I accept cash or cheque).  Last Thursday morning I went running with my good friend Peter.  It was much easier getting up at 5:30 exactly because I had to run and meet up with Peter.  We ran steady that day, somewhere around 4 km's.  Peter didn't stop running, so even though I wanted to stop for a break, I couldn't let him win. 

I know what you are thinking, this Peter guy sounds like a jerk.  Showing off with his steadfast running ability.  He is actually a really good guy.  Anyway, the next day, being last Friday we went for a 5 km run.  It was good, and at the end we pushed hard for a short while at the end.  It was a really short while, Martin St. Louis short.  Google Martin St Louis if you don't understand that reference.  I was definitely feeling the burn after that.  My legs, especially my hamstrings, really felt it the next few days ( I had to walk sideways up the stairs the next few days).

On Friday after work I drove with my family to Westaskiwin Alberta.  It took us 8 hours, you know one of those trips to the local convenience store.  After sleeping on an awesome air mattress at my sister-in-law's, I felt extremely invigorated, so much so that I got up in the morning and went for a run in Westaskiwin.  No, I did not get mugged.  My run Saturday morning was only for 15 or 20 minutes, but it was still a run, because that is how I roll.

I don't run on Sundays, as it is the sabbath / I need one lazy day a week.  On Monday I didn't run either, as we left in the morning on an even more chipper and delightful 9 hour drive home.  All 9 hour drives are chipper and delightful.  Note to self - take a plane next time, or take flying lessons from Superman, it is much cheaper than the alternative.

I started out at 231 pounds.  I am 6'3 or 6'4, somewhere in there and I have already lost about 20 pounds this calendar year, starting in January.  That is when the calendar year starts, in January.  And you thought it started in May when winter left.  Anyways this past week from running I lost roughly 3 pounds from running and not necessarily eating all that healthy.  On the weekend from eating fast food while driving, and then continually eating while I was at my sister-in-law's, I gained more than the 3 pounds I had lost.  Moral of the story: eat healthy or you will end up living in a van, DOWN BY THE RIVER.  I shouldn't have to explain that reference. 

This morning I got up at 5:30 and headed out for a run with Petey Pablo.  It was drizzling rain, like a luke-warm shower after your jerk of a sibling used up all the hot water.  Of course I usually don't run in the shower, but it could be very rewarding, I am sure.  Petey the talking parrot and I headed off over towards good old centennial park.  We were definitely slow today, but we kept it at a steady pace.  Peter, in his new balance shoe, started to get a little lame, so I carried him while I ran and sang the classic hit song " We need a herooooooooo."  Peter felt a little awkward after the gun show that I put on, so I let him run the rest of the way.  At the end we ran up some stairs, scratch that, Peter ran up the stairs, and I gingerly walked up the stairs.  I bet you didn't think that you could walk gingerly.

This post is going on forever, I need to post more than once a week apparently.  Oh and the most important thing that happened today; the Vancouver Canucks just advanced to the Stanley Cup Final.  Kevin Bieksa in double overtime scored the winner.  It was a beautiful overtime to watch. 

I should leave some quote of inspiration:  If you're gonna play in Texas, you've got to have a fiddle in the band.

May 18, 2011

Yesterday after work I went to the local running shoe store.  My birthday is coming up, so as a birthday present I decided to buy some running shoes and drop some of that extra jelly filling I have gathered over the last few years.  I tried on a few different pairs of shoes, some wonderful, some not so much.  I narrowed it down to two pairs, some Asics Gel Cumulus 11, which were really comfortable feeling, and some Nike Air Pegasus 26, which were nice as well.   My decision was made easy, as soon as I realized the Nike shoes were 50% off.  Of course I chose the cheaper shoe. 

I decided that the next morning I would get up at 5:30 a.m. and go for an early morning run.  I set my alarm for 5:30, and got up promptly at 5:55 a.m.  I stepped outside to hear the beautiful singing of birds.  I had my new shoes on, ready to roll.  I started off.......What a stupid birthday present.

Up the hill I ran, like a frisky doe bounding up the mountainside, or a prancing Pepe Lapeau.  I made it all the way up the short hill before stopping to compose myself.  I composed myself for a short time before continuing my exciting journey.  The next section of my excursion including running slowly, slower, and slowest, all intermittently.   I tried to make sure that I was always composed, as composure is key to being a top notch runner. 

After the long run of 15 minutes, I returned and walked down the hill towards my humble abode.  I had made it.  I actually got up somewhat early in the morning to go for a run, I use the term loosely.  I pretty much qualify as a marathon runner.  Maybe I will run one in the near future..................

Or maybe I should wait to see if I get up for my run tomorrow morning before I commit to running a marathon.