June 23, 2011

A beginners running guide for losers, fatties and other invalids everyone.

So you want to start running, eh?  You think it is time to get rid of that little extra jiggle?  You want to impress the opposite sex?  Well then this running guide is for you. 

Now that you want to start running, how do you follow through with this noble desire?  Well, it is easier than you think.  First you need some shoes, that is unless you want to run barefoot like a lunatic.  Next you need to put those shoes on.  I know what you are thinking, " I don't know how to tie shoes."  You can buy Velcro shoes if you need. 

This running so far is really easy.  Now that you have your fancy pants shoes on it is time to step outside.  On a side note, you probably should be wearing some clothes, which you would usually put on before your shoes.  Sports bra's are recommended for the ladies, while a bro is recommended for the heavier men, or all married men setting out on this excursion.

When you first step outside you should probably do some light stretching as you are fat and out of shape haven't done this for a long, long, long, long, long, long, when will it stop, long time.  I recommend stretching out your calves, or possibly your cows, depending on the size (my wife always says that.)  Usually it is also a good idea to stretch out your old quads, yes you still have muscles in your legs, no matter how jiggly they are.

Now is when you should do a quick mental checklist of everything you have.  Shoes, check!  Shorts or pants, check!  Shirt or sweater, check!  Sports bra, or bro, Check!  Stretching, check!  Oxygen canister, double check!  9-1-1 on speed dial, triple check!

Now go, be free young padawan.  Run like the wind bulls eye.

As you head out, start at a nice leisurely pace, you don't want to tucker yourself out and fall into a deep depression.  While you are running along you will notice the sheer beauty of your surroundings while you are huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.  While you aggressively stroll, which is running slower than walking, you will notice some excess phlegm building up.  Snort it and spit it out.  No it is not like cocaine, yes it does taste delicious if you accidentally eat it, no you are not a camel, but they do spit.  You must have seen the movie Aladdin.

You are doing a great job so far!  Hip hip hooray!  Now that you have run roughly 100 metres in 4 minutes, you are probably ready to turn back.  Don't, push it for another 50 metres, make sure you always finish hard like a creepy curler.  Okay, now you can go home.  As you gallop through your front door, make sure you do some more stretching.  This will help you so that you don't cramp up later in the day.  You should also drink lots of water to stay hydrated. 

I usually enjoy a shower when I get home from my run in the morning, followed by some breakfast.  If you are worried about time constraints you could make your breakfast in the shower.

If you have the 5 minutes, watch this.  You won't be disappointed.

You did a great job with your first run, but you need to make sure you do it again tomorrow.   I believe in you, yes I am waving my arms like angels.  No, I don't see any angels in the outfield.  Yes, if you run every day you too can look like Danny Glover.  No, that is not necessarily a good thing.

Captain extremely awkward statement: " How did he get that Harley up there on the high diving board?"