June 30, 2011

The Running Shoe Owner's Manual

Thank you for purchasing this fine shoe.  We really believe it is the best shoe on the market and that you will be completely satisfied supporting child labour in countries that you cannot even pronounce with the performance of this shoe.  This shoe is made just west of Hawaii, which will give you some assurance for shopping locally. 

Section 1 - How to achieve the most performance from your shoe

Take your shoe out of the box.  Pull the stuffed up paper out, yes that paper is 100% recycled.  No, the shoe itself isn't greasy.  Yes, the recycled paper is from KFC, why do you ask?  It was cheap and helps us cut down our overheads so that we can help subsidize Lebron James' retirement.  You know he only made $18 million this past year, how do you expect him to retire on that? 

Now that you have pulled your greasy wad of paper out of your shoe, you should try it on.  Oh wait a minute, there is another greasy wad of paper.  It gets us every time too.  You will notice that your shoe has laces, or possibly Velcro, buttons, or it could be a slip on sandal.  Tie up your laces, put your Velcro together, snap your button, or slip on your sandal, whichever applies to the shoe that you purchased.  It is much cheaper to print one set of instructions for all our shoes.  Once again we cut our overhead to pay our CEO millions of dollars that he/she doesn't deserve pass on the savings to you.

You will notice that the outer shoe material is made up of really cheap material that breaks down really fast so that you have to buy a new pair of shoes pretty much tomorrow durable material.  That is a special feature just for you.  Since you have your shoe on, go for a slight walk to see how it feels.  If the shoe is too loose just buy another smaller size shoe, your feet still grow no matter what age you are.  Don't ever return any shoes from us as we will give telemarketers your number.  No, we didn't want to have to go there.  Yes, we will actually do that.  No, it isn't unethical or against the law.  These also aren't the droids you're looking for. 

It's not that flipping hard to figure out how to put a shoe on and run retard customer.  Ya, we said flipping.

Section 2 Protecting your investment

Yes it is an investment.  No, you shouldn't have to get a second mortgage.  To protect your investment and get the most out of your running shoe you should wear your shoes in the shower.  This will help break down the material even faster keep the shoes looking really clean.  It is also a good idea to put them in the dryer after the shower.  This will also help you fit into your pair of shoes that are too big.  When you finish with your run always throw your shoes against the wall, this helps break them in, literally.  You should also try to run over nails, sharp rocks, gum, cats, dogs, etc.  This will help toughen up the bottom of your shoe so that it will last forever.  We can't even write that with a straight face, who publishes this garbage anyways?  Well you can do anything, but  lay off of my blue suede shoes.

Section 3 Planning your next purchase

Now that we have you hooked you should really start looking at getting another pair of our wonderful shoes.  You should replace your shoes every 3 months whether you use them or not.  Running shoes are like computers, and you don't want outdated technology.  For your next purchase you should buy an even more expensive pair of our shoes.  Over inflated prices are indicative of quality.  Yes, some of our shoes look very similar.  No, they aren't the 'exact' same shoes with just a different price.  Yes, you can purchase the same shoes at Fields or your local bargain store for $10, but those were made in China.  The expensive shoes are made locally just west of Vancouver Island.  Yes, something about riots as well.

We are very happy that you have taken the time to go through your owner's manual and to be brainwashed educated on why your shoe is the best shoe on the market.  Have a happy running time and thank you for making America and Canada stronger, while striking out against terrorism.  Yes, by purchasing a pair of our shoes you have taken the first step towards stopping terrorism.  No, we don't actually do anything to stop terrorism.  Yes, we are shamelessly playing up peoples fears regarding terrorists.   No, we don't think Barack Obama is an American citizen.  Yes, we actually do think Barack Obama is an American citizen, that is, if you do.  No, we don't think we are worse than politicians.  Stop thinking and just buy our shoes!