August 11, 2012

Last year I started running every morning and blogging about it.  There were two main objectives I attempted to reach; first to get into top physical shape, second to have a stress release for writing the UFE, to become a Chartered Accountant.

I had read that it was very stressful studying and writing the UFE, so I tried to have something else to do when it was overly stressful.  I stopped blogging and jogging for the most part as soon as studying began for my test, which was over an 8 week period.  It was very stressful.

Anyways I passed that test and became a Chartered Accountant, but I have regressed in my physical capabilities since then.  Thus it was time to get back in the proverbial saddle once again, but riding horses doesn't get you in shape, so I found my running shoes again.  That is right, I literally needed the help of my wife to find my shoes and it took a few days.  Sadly, it has been awhile.

I went for my first structured jog on Tuesday morning.  Jogging sucks.  I have a new area to jog, as I have moved since I last blogged, jogged, dogged, frogged, hogged, bodogged, pogged, logged, something else-ogged.  This new area has plenty of hills to jog up, so I tried one right off the bat.  First I warmed up by jogging really slowly, or in other words jog-walking.  It doesn't necessarily help you get into top notch shape, but it is a start.

I was surprised at how fast I was able to go at times, and then reminded of how pathetic I have become with how short it would last.  I was not going to place at the Olympics.  I met a few friends along the jog, one of them saying that they couldn't find joy in jogging.  I agreed. 

I went jogging the next two mornings, or in other words 3 mornings in a row of pure sweaty hell.  I may need to pick up a jogging partner to help push the pace faster, harder, stronger.  Not necessarily like Christina Aguilera Stronger, but more like "stop being such a pansy and walking sometimes" stronger. 

I am still in that mindset of setting the good habit.  Get up in the morning, go for a run -  Ok, check.  Push yourself hard with some interval running - Ummm, yes I alternate between walking, jog-walking and almost jogging.   Sweat profusely because you are pushing yourself so hard - sweat yes, push hard not so much.

Oh jogging once again, I sure feel like Calvin's crazy dad from Calvin and Hobbes.  Always getting up on a Saturday to ride his bike or something.  I don't really know why I feel like Calvin's dad.  This is awkward...

Tune in occasionally to hear me discuss getting into tip top shape, so I can a wear a tip top suit from Tip Top Tailors, while I act out tip Top Gun.  Even though Tom Cruise is a little off nowadays, Maverick rocked in that movie.

July 21, 2011

I had been running regularly, Monday to Friday, and then the injuries started to come.  The first injury was the ring finger toe on my left foot.  Because of the placement of the injury I had to take two days off of running.  That was alright because I got right back at and finished the week strong going on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  It was pretty impressive that I went, as my running partner had headed off for the summer. 

That Saturday I played in a recreational slow pitch tournament and while running with my cleats on my big toenail on my right foot came dislodged.  That slowed me down once again, as I ended up missing over a week of running.  It has healed up since and now I am back on track, but surprisingly, it is hard once again to get going full tilt.  It is somewhat amazing that after running for almost 2 months steadily, missing one week makes it hard to get back at it.  It just goes to show the importance of keeping at it.  Anyways this is the inspiration for this blog.  Yes, you needed to know what the inspiration is.  No, this is not a waste of your time.  Yes, you should keep on reading.

The Recovering from an Injury Guide

So you are the superstar runner now, you have changed your nationality to Kenyan.  You are the man/woman, at least technically you are.  You run hard, you run in the rain, you run in the snow (stupid Calgary, AB and its inclement weather).  You quite possibly would run in the nude, but you haven't gotten in that kind of shape yet, let alone it would just be uncomfortable without your bro/bra on.  While you are running you are invincible, yes you are Mark Wahlberg.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, you decide. 

When you are not running, you are still a big pansy, rose, daffodil, tulip, iris, dandelion, or any other generic flower used to denote weakness.  I didn't want to have to say it, but it is still the truth.  Ya, the truth hurts sometime.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and keep up the good work running.

Then the problem starts..............

The old big toenail injury, you know the one I am talking about.  Where your big toenail starts to fall off, and then jabs back into your toe.  It hurts, but you are tough.  You decide to go running anyways.  While putting on your shoes you realize "These are really nice laces, but maybe I should switch them out for some pink or some yellow laces."  What on earth are you thinking?  That doesn't even make sense.  What you really should have been thinking was "There is not a chance this is going to work, wow I really am a lady slipper."  Anyways, just go back to bed you filthy mule.  I don't know why you are a filthy mule.  Don't question the blog.

For some reason that stupid toenail injury is keeping you down.  Man that is so frustrating, you could just, well you could just, well I don't know what you could do, but you are not happy about it.  It is one little toe, maybe you should just cut it off.  * Editors note don't cut off any of your appendages just so that you can run, if you do, then you are an idiot, a grade A certified idiot.  I will send you a diploma in the mail.  While you are recovering maybe you could take up knitting, or some other manly hobby, but don't cut off your toe.  That is all.

While you wait for that injury to heal, you start to sleep in again and eat whatever you want.  Which consequently is a slab of butter with popcorn over top of it.  You seem somewhat depressed, like a part of you is missing.  What is wrong with you, running is for losers and people who are thin, attractive and healthy.  Wait a minute..............  You have become one of them.  Then it hits you,  you are Sparticus, a runner.

Your injury heals, you are ready to go, but it isn't easy jumping up to hardcore again.  You have to slowly break yourself back into the running game once again.  That starts with getting up in the morning, hitting the snooze button once or twice, then actually getting up.  Go for a small run, you know maybe 30 or 40 km.  At least that is what I started out with after my injury.  Oh, there seems to be an extra 0 in there, pay it no mind.  Just make sure that you start doing it everyday again because you are a runner.  Go chicken legs, go.



July 18, 2011

The Elite Running on Vacation Guide

So you've been doing great.  You're running everyday, you are eating healthy things such as carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, orange creamsicles, etc.  You are looking mighty fine, if I do say so myself, but now comes the yearly camping trip where the only food allowed is something covered in grease and sugar.  You know, that special bacon that your awkward brother in-law seasons with sugar.  Even your healthy breakfast of oatmeal, isn`t so healthy when you cover it in bacon grease.  But this is the least of your worries, how will you be able to keep running while on your camping trip?

If this scenario sounds familiar than this guide is for you.  Yes, it is for you, the person reading this blog.  Before you head off on your camping trip, make sure you pack the essentials, running shoes, shorts, mosquito repellent, a will of iron, and a very comfortable mattress.  The running shoes and shorts are pretty self explanatory, while the mosquito repellent is as well, but the will of iron is a must as well as the comfy mattress, as you won't want to get up in the morning if your back is sore, and if you haven't slept very well.  You really don't need anything else for you camping trip, tents or campers are overrated, sleeping bags are unnecessary, and a change of clothes will just weigh you down Fatty McFatterson. 

When you get to the campsite, while you are sitting around the fire singing Tom Jones, and asking about pussy cats.  You are such a loser, we all know "She's a Lady" is a much better Tom Jones song.  Anyways while sitting around the campfire, take a big gulp of that mountain fresh campfire smoke.  Breathe it in again, then take some raw bacon and rub it all over your face, before eating it raw.  This will help to get over the bacon cravings that you are going to have.  It is best to do this early and just get over it. 

Make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour on the first night, as it is imperative to start your first morning off right.  As the sun shines on your face, at a bright and early 4:25 am, make sure you get up and Jump, just jump.  You aren't going to be able to sleep anymore anyways, so get your moldy but out of bed.  Put your shoes on, stretch and then run like the wind bullseye.  It's go time.  What do you mean you don't want to get out of bed?  Iron Will is more than just an awesome movie about the Iditarod, where is yours?  What do you mean its on vacation?  Suck it up Princess.  Don't you roll over and go back to sleep on me.  This guide is for you.

 Ya, I'm sure you will run twice as far tomorrow, whatever loser, go eat some bacon wrapped potato chips.

Thanks for making a mockery of the The Elite Running on Vacation Guide. 

July 7, 2011

Picking the Perfect Shoe

You've been running before, but it has never felt right, 
You saw a commercial on the paid programming last night.
It said something about the perfect shoe,
And how it would help to make a healthier you.
At first glance it seemed too perfect to be true,
That you had finally found the perfect fitting shoe.

The price said 4 easy payments of 49.95,
A price so egregious, you threw up inside.
But with a price so high, the shoe must be good,
You picked up the phone, just like they said you should.
You were running out of time for that perfect healthy you,
When you finally realized, that's not how you buy a shoe.


But how do you a buy a shoe, and does one type of shoe work for all?
No, they don't, but with this helpful guide we can save you from a fall.
First off, what type of arch do you have?
Are you flat footed, and walk like a calf?
If you are flat footed then a motion control shoe is for you,
If you have an high arch, you will have to try something new.

A cushion shoe will make your high arch sing,
As well as making you feel just like the King.
Thank you, thank you very much,
An average type of foot, you need some different stuff.
The type of shoe for that is a neutral type,
You can learn all about it over skype.

Now you are ready to go blow your money,
Good shoes are expensive, it's not even funny.
After trying on dozens of salesmen pitches,
You realize that you are not blessed with deep riches.
Some shoes feel great and others less so,
Wait this one's on clearance, just buy it and go.

June 30, 2011

The Running Shoe Owner's Manual

Thank you for purchasing this fine shoe.  We really believe it is the best shoe on the market and that you will be completely satisfied supporting child labour in countries that you cannot even pronounce with the performance of this shoe.  This shoe is made just west of Hawaii, which will give you some assurance for shopping locally. 

Section 1 - How to achieve the most performance from your shoe

Take your shoe out of the box.  Pull the stuffed up paper out, yes that paper is 100% recycled.  No, the shoe itself isn't greasy.  Yes, the recycled paper is from KFC, why do you ask?  It was cheap and helps us cut down our overheads so that we can help subsidize Lebron James' retirement.  You know he only made $18 million this past year, how do you expect him to retire on that? 

Now that you have pulled your greasy wad of paper out of your shoe, you should try it on.  Oh wait a minute, there is another greasy wad of paper.  It gets us every time too.  You will notice that your shoe has laces, or possibly Velcro, buttons, or it could be a slip on sandal.  Tie up your laces, put your Velcro together, snap your button, or slip on your sandal, whichever applies to the shoe that you purchased.  It is much cheaper to print one set of instructions for all our shoes.  Once again we cut our overhead to pay our CEO millions of dollars that he/she doesn't deserve pass on the savings to you.

You will notice that the outer shoe material is made up of really cheap material that breaks down really fast so that you have to buy a new pair of shoes pretty much tomorrow durable material.  That is a special feature just for you.  Since you have your shoe on, go for a slight walk to see how it feels.  If the shoe is too loose just buy another smaller size shoe, your feet still grow no matter what age you are.  Don't ever return any shoes from us as we will give telemarketers your number.  No, we didn't want to have to go there.  Yes, we will actually do that.  No, it isn't unethical or against the law.  These also aren't the droids you're looking for. 

It's not that flipping hard to figure out how to put a shoe on and run retard customer.  Ya, we said flipping.

Section 2 Protecting your investment

Yes it is an investment.  No, you shouldn't have to get a second mortgage.  To protect your investment and get the most out of your running shoe you should wear your shoes in the shower.  This will help break down the material even faster keep the shoes looking really clean.  It is also a good idea to put them in the dryer after the shower.  This will also help you fit into your pair of shoes that are too big.  When you finish with your run always throw your shoes against the wall, this helps break them in, literally.  You should also try to run over nails, sharp rocks, gum, cats, dogs, etc.  This will help toughen up the bottom of your shoe so that it will last forever.  We can't even write that with a straight face, who publishes this garbage anyways?  Well you can do anything, but  lay off of my blue suede shoes.

Section 3 Planning your next purchase

Now that we have you hooked you should really start looking at getting another pair of our wonderful shoes.  You should replace your shoes every 3 months whether you use them or not.  Running shoes are like computers, and you don't want outdated technology.  For your next purchase you should buy an even more expensive pair of our shoes.  Over inflated prices are indicative of quality.  Yes, some of our shoes look very similar.  No, they aren't the 'exact' same shoes with just a different price.  Yes, you can purchase the same shoes at Fields or your local bargain store for $10, but those were made in China.  The expensive shoes are made locally just west of Vancouver Island.  Yes, something about riots as well.

We are very happy that you have taken the time to go through your owner's manual and to be brainwashed educated on why your shoe is the best shoe on the market.  Have a happy running time and thank you for making America and Canada stronger, while striking out against terrorism.  Yes, by purchasing a pair of our shoes you have taken the first step towards stopping terrorism.  No, we don't actually do anything to stop terrorism.  Yes, we are shamelessly playing up peoples fears regarding terrorists.   No, we don't think Barack Obama is an American citizen.  Yes, we actually do think Barack Obama is an American citizen, that is, if you do.  No, we don't think we are worse than politicians.  Stop thinking and just buy our shoes!

June 23, 2011

A beginners running guide for losers, fatties and other invalids everyone.

So you want to start running, eh?  You think it is time to get rid of that little extra jiggle?  You want to impress the opposite sex?  Well then this running guide is for you. 

Now that you want to start running, how do you follow through with this noble desire?  Well, it is easier than you think.  First you need some shoes, that is unless you want to run barefoot like a lunatic.  Next you need to put those shoes on.  I know what you are thinking, " I don't know how to tie shoes."  You can buy Velcro shoes if you need. 

This running so far is really easy.  Now that you have your fancy pants shoes on it is time to step outside.  On a side note, you probably should be wearing some clothes, which you would usually put on before your shoes.  Sports bra's are recommended for the ladies, while a bro is recommended for the heavier men, or all married men setting out on this excursion.

When you first step outside you should probably do some light stretching as you are fat and out of shape haven't done this for a long, long, long, long, long, long, when will it stop, long time.  I recommend stretching out your calves, or possibly your cows, depending on the size (my wife always says that.)  Usually it is also a good idea to stretch out your old quads, yes you still have muscles in your legs, no matter how jiggly they are.

Now is when you should do a quick mental checklist of everything you have.  Shoes, check!  Shorts or pants, check!  Shirt or sweater, check!  Sports bra, or bro, Check!  Stretching, check!  Oxygen canister, double check!  9-1-1 on speed dial, triple check!

Now go, be free young padawan.  Run like the wind bulls eye.

As you head out, start at a nice leisurely pace, you don't want to tucker yourself out and fall into a deep depression.  While you are running along you will notice the sheer beauty of your surroundings while you are huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.  While you aggressively stroll, which is running slower than walking, you will notice some excess phlegm building up.  Snort it and spit it out.  No it is not like cocaine, yes it does taste delicious if you accidentally eat it, no you are not a camel, but they do spit.  You must have seen the movie Aladdin.

You are doing a great job so far!  Hip hip hooray!  Now that you have run roughly 100 metres in 4 minutes, you are probably ready to turn back.  Don't, push it for another 50 metres, make sure you always finish hard like a creepy curler.  Okay, now you can go home.  As you gallop through your front door, make sure you do some more stretching.  This will help you so that you don't cramp up later in the day.  You should also drink lots of water to stay hydrated. 

I usually enjoy a shower when I get home from my run in the morning, followed by some breakfast.  If you are worried about time constraints you could make your breakfast in the shower.

If you have the 5 minutes, watch this.  You won't be disappointed.

You did a great job with your first run, but you need to make sure you do it again tomorrow.   I believe in you, yes I am waving my arms like angels.  No, I don't see any angels in the outfield.  Yes, if you run every day you too can look like Danny Glover.  No, that is not necessarily a good thing.

Captain extremely awkward statement: " How did he get that Harley up there on the high diving board?"

June 16, 2011

I might be changing up my blog a little bit.  It is starting to become the same old regurgitated garbage.  I don't know if I will be changing it to once a week, or if I will be doing blogs based upon running adversity or some other lame thing.  One thing I can promise you is that it will be a better blog on a go forward basis.  Anyways on to todays bemoaning:

Tuesday morning I strolled up my hill.  I was like Maria from the Sound of Music singing the song about my favourite things, and then I don't feellllllll sooooooooo badddddddddddd.  I met up with Peter at the 'you know what.'  He was once again wearing his lovely green hoody.  It sure goes well with the eyeliner he uses.  We thought about where we should go.  Vern was away for the morning so it was just Master P and I, like two sparrows in a hurricane, trying to find our way ( he also does country songs).  We decided to go on a route we had never imagined possible.  Strike that, I had tried to get us to go that way before, but Peter wanted nothing to do with it.  Today he was up for change, he was ready to become a legend........

Drop the beat Master P:

Let's go for a run
We will have immense fun
If you run too fast
I will cut and mow your grass

I interjected:

I already mowed my lawn
Your rhymes make me yawn
I can run just like Superman
and beat you at kick the can

We headed off.  We ran past Overwaitea.  Did you know that they are BC's very own food people?  Just a little fun fact.  We ran past Overwaitea, thus bringing on the lame, but standard jokes.  " You sure look like you're Over Weighty, haha haha haha, hardy har har."  Shut up Peter.  Actually Peter is way too nice of a young man to say something like that.  After we ran past Overwaitea, we headed West on Devon Street, which may or may not actually be a street name in Creston.  We then plodded down the beautiful street, prompting Peter to say "this is such a beautiful run, we should do this more often."  I followed with a mature " I told you so sumo man  ketchup man."  Apparently I just decided that Peter enjoys ketchup.  It may or may not be true, so you might want to actually ask Peter about it.

On Wednesday Vern came back, kind of like the Cat in the Hat comes back, except for Vern doesn't have a cool hat.  Maybe he has some funky stripe socks?  We did our run past the beautiful trailer courts with the view.  I may not be 100% on this, but I assume that the name of the park is "Hollywood", or possibly " Trailer park with a view."  I used to live in a trailer park until I tricked sold it to my brother.  There is nothing wrong with that lifestyle.  No, I didn't actually trick my brother into buying it.  He is a smart fellow, or so my mom tells me so.  Near the end of our Wednesday run, a man in a truck pulled over to talk to us.  He couldn't believe there were still people that were mentally insane jogging around town.  We invited us to join him.  See, that line doesn't even make sense.  We invited him to join the flock.  He said yes.  The revolution continues.  The red army and communism will reign supreme.  Welcome to Mother Russia the flock. 

On Thursday morning there he was, waiting for us.  The newest member of the flock.  He is actually a good friend of mine.  It is not like some creepy guy who works on computers all day and has a twin brother decided to just up and join us.  Wait a minute.....  He brought his Iphone with him so that he could track how far we went, how long it took us, our route, the best places to stop and pee on peoples lawns.  You know, just the basics.  I had slept well the night before and had energy.  It is amazing what happens when your children don't get up in the middle of the night.  We carried a solid pace for the run and went hard.  We ran farther than we usually do.  Our new guy wasn't as conditioned as us, or at least we made it look that way.  We couldn't be shown up by a new guy.  Towards the end Vern once again took off like a sabre tooth tiger.  It was odd that he had those fake vampire fangs in for the run, but we try to include everyone regardless of how they present themselves.  In total I really actually ran about 5 km.  Which I should tell you that I ran about 10 km.  I've got to keep up appearances.

When I got home I put on my birthday suit and weighed myself.  I was now a balmy 220.6 pounds.   Which means I have lost more weight.  It was very rewarding, but right now I sure want some type of fatty and delicious snackeroo.  No, I don't want a dunkeroo, but I do remember those as being delicious back in the day.

Captain somewhat creepy and definitely awkward statement:  " I like big spuds and I cannot lie."  It's true big potatoes are delicious.