August 8, 2017

It has almost been 5 years to the day since I last blogged.  So many amazing things have happened in these last 5 years:

• I went to the dentist this month for the first time in 7 years, I had no cavities.
• I also slightly changed the look of the blog
• Those are about the only substantial highlights

If my amazing memory serves me right, I had promised to start blogging again at that time every once in awhile (I promise I didn't just read that old blog...)

Anyways, I would say that 5 years constitutes as every once in a while.  That is a cheeky comment.

I am currently not in shape at all.  I am not rectangular, or even round.  Some might call me pear shaped, but that is not a geological shape.  Yeah, I said geological, because my goal is to be shaped like "The Rock."  (That's not actually my goal, but it sounded funny in my head, although I wouldn't be disappointed)

I attempt to play hockey once a week in the winter, and that is about as much fitness as I have been doing.  That is until my brother and I had an idea to run a Spartan race. Spartan Calgary 2017

Don't worry, I am not running it next week.  The plan is to run it next year, in 2018.  I got the idea from some other friends, who might run it with us as well, as well as my other brothers (they don't necessarily know this yet).

Anyways, we started training last week.  I know what you are thinking, "training for a Spartan race, that must be H to the core!"  It felt hardcore to my body, but we started with no weights, doing lunges, squats, calf-ups (you know, when you lift up calves that have been tipped over), and jumping.  We also did a fat mans version of a P90x ab workout, well I did the fat mans version anyways.

I was so sore for 2 or 3 days afterwards, it was hard to roll over at night time, it was hard to walk down the stairs to DQ...

Anyways, we did some arms and shoulders the next day with light weights.  My brother did some push-ups and I did some trampoline-ups (no explanation necessary).  I could do some push-ups but not properly, I was causing earthquakes or something like that.  We did some biceps, triceps and if I was a drinking man we would have done some rye-ceps (that is a terrible rhyming joke).  My biceps were so sore for the next few days as well, that 20 pound weight was just too much...  It would have been more funny if I didn't use any weight at all.

This brings me to Wednesday last week.  I went for a jog.  It was 3.5 km with some hills but no thrills, which sounds like No Frills where they have truly great prices on grocery items.  I hear the Lethbridge Westside one is divine.

Since this was my first real jog in a long time, it was all about finishing.  I didn't walk at all, and I made sure I finished right to the end.  A 3.5 km total jog, it took me 26:55.  It had been so long, that I really didn't have any idea what that meant.  I just accepted that I finished, I deserved a participation medal or at least some type of treat.  I also keep writing job instead of job, I did it again, instead of job, darn it.  Instead of jog.  Now, I am righting righting instead of righting, for the love of... Writing.

I worked out on Thursday and Friday, regurgitating from memory my previous workouts.  I was surprised at how much easier they were this time.  But in all honesty, regurgitated food is always easier to choke down.

Thus brought on Saturday.  I would jog again.  My plan was to do the exact same route, to once again use my Samsung health app to track my time.  I was going to do it bright and early, but then wisdom laziness deferred my jog until it was just bright and hot.

I set off, which sounds like this could be taken out of context, I really should set off more often.  I did the exact same route as before, my goal was to be faster, but I didn't know what that would look like.  I felt really good at the start, really fast, somewhat like Usain Bolt.  That was until I got passed by that show off 80 year old on the walker...  I also realized that running slightly down hill to start sets you up for some inflated expectations which will crush your dreams.  I wasn't actually going to qualify for the Olympics on this run.

After grueling through the no thrill hills, the last 0.4 km of my run were slightly down hill, sadly I didn't increase my pace by much after the hills.  And then, it happened.  I ran the 3.48 km (I must have literally cut a corner or something) in 22:57.   I shaved off 4 minutes from Wednesday.  I felt like Danny Glover and Tony Danza in "Angels in the Outfield", running around waving my arms, or is it flapping my wings.

I was feeling pretty stoked, this was a great improvement.  This was more than baby steps, I was officially as fast as an Olympian.  I could beat anyone.  And then I had to lay down so I wouldn't die.
The next day, I was still feeling pretty good about myself.  I made the mistake of "bragging" to a friend to the end (in case you are have trouble spelling friend, always remember "friend to the end."  I learned that from Mr. Megale at Canyon Lister Elementary School. Also remember that you probably shouldn't have multiple periods in between the bottoms of frowny/smiley faces.  They lose their effectiveness.)

My friend informed me that he ran the same 3.5 km loop, only backwards, in 14 minutes.  I am not sure why more Olympians don't run backwards if it increases your speed so much.  Imagine how fast Andre Degrasse could be, he maybe could have beat Usain Bolt at the 2016 Olympics.

He then explained that he ran the loop the other direction (not backwards), with more steepness (which is a great word by the way and obviously grammatically correct, it is plural for steep, much like princess is plural for prince, please bow before your steepness).

I might have a little more training to go...

See you in 5 years :)

August 11, 2012

Last year I started running every morning and blogging about it.  There were two main objectives I attempted to reach; first to get into top physical shape, second to have a stress release for writing the UFE, to become a Chartered Accountant.

I had read that it was very stressful studying and writing the UFE, so I tried to have something else to do when it was overly stressful.  I stopped blogging and jogging for the most part as soon as studying began for my test, which was over an 8 week period.  It was very stressful.

Anyways I passed that test and became a Chartered Accountant, but I have regressed in my physical capabilities since then.  Thus it was time to get back in the proverbial saddle once again, but riding horses doesn't get you in shape, so I found my running shoes again.  That is right, I literally needed the help of my wife to find my shoes and it took a few days.  Sadly, it has been awhile.

I went for my first structured jog on Tuesday morning.  Jogging sucks.  I have a new area to jog, as I have moved since I last blogged, jogged, dogged, frogged, hogged, bodogged, pogged, logged, something else-ogged.  This new area has plenty of hills to jog up, so I tried one right off the bat.  First I warmed up by jogging really slowly, or in other words jog-walking.  It doesn't necessarily help you get into top notch shape, but it is a start.

I was surprised at how fast I was able to go at times, and then reminded of how pathetic I have become with how short it would last.  I was not going to place at the Olympics.  I met a few friends along the jog, one of them saying that they couldn't find joy in jogging.  I agreed. 

I went jogging the next two mornings, or in other words 3 mornings in a row of pure sweaty hell.  I may need to pick up a jogging partner to help push the pace faster, harder, stronger.  Not necessarily like Christina Aguilera Stronger, but more like "stop being such a pansy and walking sometimes" stronger. 

I am still in that mindset of setting the good habit.  Get up in the morning, go for a run -  Ok, check.  Push yourself hard with some interval running - Ummm, yes I alternate between walking, jog-walking and almost jogging.   Sweat profusely because you are pushing yourself so hard - sweat yes, push hard not so much.

Oh jogging once again, I sure feel like Calvin's crazy dad from Calvin and Hobbes.  Always getting up on a Saturday to ride his bike or something.  I don't really know why I feel like Calvin's dad.  This is awkward...

Tune in occasionally to hear me discuss getting into tip top shape, so I can a wear a tip top suit from Tip Top Tailors, while I act out tip Top Gun.  Even though Tom Cruise is a little off nowadays, Maverick rocked in that movie.

July 21, 2011

I had been running regularly, Monday to Friday, and then the injuries started to come.  The first injury was the ring finger toe on my left foot.  Because of the placement of the injury I had to take two days off of running.  That was alright because I got right back at and finished the week strong going on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  It was pretty impressive that I went, as my running partner had headed off for the summer. 

That Saturday I played in a recreational slow pitch tournament and while running with my cleats on my big toenail on my right foot came dislodged.  That slowed me down once again, as I ended up missing over a week of running.  It has healed up since and now I am back on track, but surprisingly, it is hard once again to get going full tilt.  It is somewhat amazing that after running for almost 2 months steadily, missing one week makes it hard to get back at it.  It just goes to show the importance of keeping at it.  Anyways this is the inspiration for this blog.  Yes, you needed to know what the inspiration is.  No, this is not a waste of your time.  Yes, you should keep on reading.

The Recovering from an Injury Guide

So you are the superstar runner now, you have changed your nationality to Kenyan.  You are the man/woman, at least technically you are.  You run hard, you run in the rain, you run in the snow (stupid Calgary, AB and its inclement weather).  You quite possibly would run in the nude, but you haven't gotten in that kind of shape yet, let alone it would just be uncomfortable without your bro/bra on.  While you are running you are invincible, yes you are Mark Wahlberg.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, you decide. 

When you are not running, you are still a big pansy, rose, daffodil, tulip, iris, dandelion, or any other generic flower used to denote weakness.  I didn't want to have to say it, but it is still the truth.  Ya, the truth hurts sometime.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and keep up the good work running.

Then the problem starts..............

The old big toenail injury, you know the one I am talking about.  Where your big toenail starts to fall off, and then jabs back into your toe.  It hurts, but you are tough.  You decide to go running anyways.  While putting on your shoes you realize "These are really nice laces, but maybe I should switch them out for some pink or some yellow laces."  What on earth are you thinking?  That doesn't even make sense.  What you really should have been thinking was "There is not a chance this is going to work, wow I really am a lady slipper."  Anyways, just go back to bed you filthy mule.  I don't know why you are a filthy mule.  Don't question the blog.

For some reason that stupid toenail injury is keeping you down.  Man that is so frustrating, you could just, well you could just, well I don't know what you could do, but you are not happy about it.  It is one little toe, maybe you should just cut it off.  * Editors note don't cut off any of your appendages just so that you can run, if you do, then you are an idiot, a grade A certified idiot.  I will send you a diploma in the mail.  While you are recovering maybe you could take up knitting, or some other manly hobby, but don't cut off your toe.  That is all.

While you wait for that injury to heal, you start to sleep in again and eat whatever you want.  Which consequently is a slab of butter with popcorn over top of it.  You seem somewhat depressed, like a part of you is missing.  What is wrong with you, running is for losers and people who are thin, attractive and healthy.  Wait a minute..............  You have become one of them.  Then it hits you,  you are Sparticus, a runner.

Your injury heals, you are ready to go, but it isn't easy jumping up to hardcore again.  You have to slowly break yourself back into the running game once again.  That starts with getting up in the morning, hitting the snooze button once or twice, then actually getting up.  Go for a small run, you know maybe 30 or 40 km.  At least that is what I started out with after my injury.  Oh, there seems to be an extra 0 in there, pay it no mind.  Just make sure that you start doing it everyday again because you are a runner.  Go chicken legs, go.



July 18, 2011

The Elite Running on Vacation Guide

So you've been doing great.  You're running everyday, you are eating healthy things such as carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, orange creamsicles, etc.  You are looking mighty fine, if I do say so myself, but now comes the yearly camping trip where the only food allowed is something covered in grease and sugar.  You know, that special bacon that your awkward brother in-law seasons with sugar.  Even your healthy breakfast of oatmeal, isn`t so healthy when you cover it in bacon grease.  But this is the least of your worries, how will you be able to keep running while on your camping trip?

If this scenario sounds familiar than this guide is for you.  Yes, it is for you, the person reading this blog.  Before you head off on your camping trip, make sure you pack the essentials, running shoes, shorts, mosquito repellent, a will of iron, and a very comfortable mattress.  The running shoes and shorts are pretty self explanatory, while the mosquito repellent is as well, but the will of iron is a must as well as the comfy mattress, as you won't want to get up in the morning if your back is sore, and if you haven't slept very well.  You really don't need anything else for you camping trip, tents or campers are overrated, sleeping bags are unnecessary, and a change of clothes will just weigh you down Fatty McFatterson. 

When you get to the campsite, while you are sitting around the fire singing Tom Jones, and asking about pussy cats.  You are such a loser, we all know "She's a Lady" is a much better Tom Jones song.  Anyways while sitting around the campfire, take a big gulp of that mountain fresh campfire smoke.  Breathe it in again, then take some raw bacon and rub it all over your face, before eating it raw.  This will help to get over the bacon cravings that you are going to have.  It is best to do this early and just get over it. 

Make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour on the first night, as it is imperative to start your first morning off right.  As the sun shines on your face, at a bright and early 4:25 am, make sure you get up and Jump, just jump.  You aren't going to be able to sleep anymore anyways, so get your moldy but out of bed.  Put your shoes on, stretch and then run like the wind bullseye.  It's go time.  What do you mean you don't want to get out of bed?  Iron Will is more than just an awesome movie about the Iditarod, where is yours?  What do you mean its on vacation?  Suck it up Princess.  Don't you roll over and go back to sleep on me.  This guide is for you.

 Ya, I'm sure you will run twice as far tomorrow, whatever loser, go eat some bacon wrapped potato chips.

Thanks for making a mockery of the The Elite Running on Vacation Guide. 

July 7, 2011

Picking the Perfect Shoe

You've been running before, but it has never felt right, 
You saw a commercial on the paid programming last night.
It said something about the perfect shoe,
And how it would help to make a healthier you.
At first glance it seemed too perfect to be true,
That you had finally found the perfect fitting shoe.

The price said 4 easy payments of 49.95,
A price so egregious, you threw up inside.
But with a price so high, the shoe must be good,
You picked up the phone, just like they said you should.
You were running out of time for that perfect healthy you,
When you finally realized, that's not how you buy a shoe.


But how do you a buy a shoe, and does one type of shoe work for all?
No, they don't, but with this helpful guide we can save you from a fall.
First off, what type of arch do you have?
Are you flat footed, and walk like a calf?
If you are flat footed then a motion control shoe is for you,
If you have an high arch, you will have to try something new.

A cushion shoe will make your high arch sing,
As well as making you feel just like the King.
Thank you, thank you very much,
An average type of foot, you need some different stuff.
The type of shoe for that is a neutral type,
You can learn all about it over skype.

Now you are ready to go blow your money,
Good shoes are expensive, it's not even funny.
After trying on dozens of salesmen pitches,
You realize that you are not blessed with deep riches.
Some shoes feel great and others less so,
Wait this one's on clearance, just buy it and go.

June 30, 2011

The Running Shoe Owner's Manual

Thank you for purchasing this fine shoe.  We really believe it is the best shoe on the market and that you will be completely satisfied supporting child labour in countries that you cannot even pronounce with the performance of this shoe.  This shoe is made just west of Hawaii, which will give you some assurance for shopping locally. 

Section 1 - How to achieve the most performance from your shoe

Take your shoe out of the box.  Pull the stuffed up paper out, yes that paper is 100% recycled.  No, the shoe itself isn't greasy.  Yes, the recycled paper is from KFC, why do you ask?  It was cheap and helps us cut down our overheads so that we can help subsidize Lebron James' retirement.  You know he only made $18 million this past year, how do you expect him to retire on that? 

Now that you have pulled your greasy wad of paper out of your shoe, you should try it on.  Oh wait a minute, there is another greasy wad of paper.  It gets us every time too.  You will notice that your shoe has laces, or possibly Velcro, buttons, or it could be a slip on sandal.  Tie up your laces, put your Velcro together, snap your button, or slip on your sandal, whichever applies to the shoe that you purchased.  It is much cheaper to print one set of instructions for all our shoes.  Once again we cut our overhead to pay our CEO millions of dollars that he/she doesn't deserve pass on the savings to you.

You will notice that the outer shoe material is made up of really cheap material that breaks down really fast so that you have to buy a new pair of shoes pretty much tomorrow durable material.  That is a special feature just for you.  Since you have your shoe on, go for a slight walk to see how it feels.  If the shoe is too loose just buy another smaller size shoe, your feet still grow no matter what age you are.  Don't ever return any shoes from us as we will give telemarketers your number.  No, we didn't want to have to go there.  Yes, we will actually do that.  No, it isn't unethical or against the law.  These also aren't the droids you're looking for. 

It's not that flipping hard to figure out how to put a shoe on and run retard customer.  Ya, we said flipping.

Section 2 Protecting your investment

Yes it is an investment.  No, you shouldn't have to get a second mortgage.  To protect your investment and get the most out of your running shoe you should wear your shoes in the shower.  This will help break down the material even faster keep the shoes looking really clean.  It is also a good idea to put them in the dryer after the shower.  This will also help you fit into your pair of shoes that are too big.  When you finish with your run always throw your shoes against the wall, this helps break them in, literally.  You should also try to run over nails, sharp rocks, gum, cats, dogs, etc.  This will help toughen up the bottom of your shoe so that it will last forever.  We can't even write that with a straight face, who publishes this garbage anyways?  Well you can do anything, but  lay off of my blue suede shoes.

Section 3 Planning your next purchase

Now that we have you hooked you should really start looking at getting another pair of our wonderful shoes.  You should replace your shoes every 3 months whether you use them or not.  Running shoes are like computers, and you don't want outdated technology.  For your next purchase you should buy an even more expensive pair of our shoes.  Over inflated prices are indicative of quality.  Yes, some of our shoes look very similar.  No, they aren't the 'exact' same shoes with just a different price.  Yes, you can purchase the same shoes at Fields or your local bargain store for $10, but those were made in China.  The expensive shoes are made locally just west of Vancouver Island.  Yes, something about riots as well.

We are very happy that you have taken the time to go through your owner's manual and to be brainwashed educated on why your shoe is the best shoe on the market.  Have a happy running time and thank you for making America and Canada stronger, while striking out against terrorism.  Yes, by purchasing a pair of our shoes you have taken the first step towards stopping terrorism.  No, we don't actually do anything to stop terrorism.  Yes, we are shamelessly playing up peoples fears regarding terrorists.   No, we don't think Barack Obama is an American citizen.  Yes, we actually do think Barack Obama is an American citizen, that is, if you do.  No, we don't think we are worse than politicians.  Stop thinking and just buy our shoes!

June 23, 2011

A beginners running guide for losers, fatties and other invalids everyone.

So you want to start running, eh?  You think it is time to get rid of that little extra jiggle?  You want to impress the opposite sex?  Well then this running guide is for you. 

Now that you want to start running, how do you follow through with this noble desire?  Well, it is easier than you think.  First you need some shoes, that is unless you want to run barefoot like a lunatic.  Next you need to put those shoes on.  I know what you are thinking, " I don't know how to tie shoes."  You can buy Velcro shoes if you need. 

This running so far is really easy.  Now that you have your fancy pants shoes on it is time to step outside.  On a side note, you probably should be wearing some clothes, which you would usually put on before your shoes.  Sports bra's are recommended for the ladies, while a bro is recommended for the heavier men, or all married men setting out on this excursion.

When you first step outside you should probably do some light stretching as you are fat and out of shape haven't done this for a long, long, long, long, long, long, when will it stop, long time.  I recommend stretching out your calves, or possibly your cows, depending on the size (my wife always says that.)  Usually it is also a good idea to stretch out your old quads, yes you still have muscles in your legs, no matter how jiggly they are.

Now is when you should do a quick mental checklist of everything you have.  Shoes, check!  Shorts or pants, check!  Shirt or sweater, check!  Sports bra, or bro, Check!  Stretching, check!  Oxygen canister, double check!  9-1-1 on speed dial, triple check!

Now go, be free young padawan.  Run like the wind bulls eye.

As you head out, start at a nice leisurely pace, you don't want to tucker yourself out and fall into a deep depression.  While you are running along you will notice the sheer beauty of your surroundings while you are huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.  While you aggressively stroll, which is running slower than walking, you will notice some excess phlegm building up.  Snort it and spit it out.  No it is not like cocaine, yes it does taste delicious if you accidentally eat it, no you are not a camel, but they do spit.  You must have seen the movie Aladdin.

You are doing a great job so far!  Hip hip hooray!  Now that you have run roughly 100 metres in 4 minutes, you are probably ready to turn back.  Don't, push it for another 50 metres, make sure you always finish hard like a creepy curler.  Okay, now you can go home.  As you gallop through your front door, make sure you do some more stretching.  This will help you so that you don't cramp up later in the day.  You should also drink lots of water to stay hydrated. 

I usually enjoy a shower when I get home from my run in the morning, followed by some breakfast.  If you are worried about time constraints you could make your breakfast in the shower.

If you have the 5 minutes, watch this.  You won't be disappointed.

You did a great job with your first run, but you need to make sure you do it again tomorrow.   I believe in you, yes I am waving my arms like angels.  No, I don't see any angels in the outfield.  Yes, if you run every day you too can look like Danny Glover.  No, that is not necessarily a good thing.

Captain extremely awkward statement: " How did he get that Harley up there on the high diving board?"